The Misadventures of Petunia Kowalski
by feel.the.dumb.puppet
Summary: So the way Petunia ‘Petey’ Kowalski saw it, if she couldn’t get a boys attention in such conditions, she would never get one. PETEY-SUE ALERT!


Feel The Panda: This was done under the prompt "What if Petey was really a girl?" PROBABLY ROXANNE'S TWISTED IDEA OR SOMETHING.

Like A Puppet Only Dumber: It's not twisted! Petey makes a cute girl :3 An UBER girl, aka a Mary Sue. Or, as I'm going to call it from now on, a Petey-Sue.

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**The Misadventures of Petunia Kowalski**

Even in a school with only eleven other girls, three of which are first years, it was hard to get noticed. You would think that with such a high male population at Bullworth Academy, they would be climbing over themselves to get a piece of the girls, but it seemed that rather than fight with each other over them, the guys would rather mingle amongst themselves. So the way Petunia 'Petey' Kowalski saw it, if she couldn't get a boys attention in such conditions, she would never get one.

At least, that probably would have been the case if she hadn't met a certain squinty eyed, thick skulled kid with the temper of a rhino on steroids. Usually Petey would avoid these kinds of boys, after all they weren't the kind she would ever want to take home to daddy, but she hadn't had much of a choice with this one. She had met him on his first day, after he had been dumped in a seat next to her in English class. To start with he had letched at her with pathetic one-liners and comments on her not-so well developed chest. But then slowly he seemed to grow respect for her - or it could have just been disinterest; after all he was starting to attract attention from girls prettier than her.

One of those prettier girls was Pinky Gauthier. Strutting around in her spotless Aquaberry and her long smooth legs. She made Petey look like a little underfed Hobbit, and even worse in her dumb pink shirt and knee-length blue plaid skirt. As soon as Jimmy got that date with her, any advances on Petey pretty much ended. And ironically enough, that was about the time Petey started wishing Jimmy would make a move.

So after that, Petey kept finding excuses to see that strangely attractive Jimmy Hopkins. She offered to help him study, but he seemed to pass classes without any effort. She offered to put good words in with Mandy Wiles for him, but that backfired when he found out that Mandy Wiles would rather run naked on the football field than be caught dead talking to Petunia Kowalski.

But then a stroke of genius struck her. Whilst sitting in the library (her usual spot where she normally sat and wondered if anyone would care if she made out with Melvin), she overheard Beatrice talking about a recent problem that Jimmy had been having with Gary Smith. Petunia had always been fascinated with Gary Smith - he was a malicious psychopath with an intense case of ADD, and all he had ever done was torture Petey with accusations that she was really a boy, and that she probably had bigger balls than Damon West. She had suffered a full year of this torture as his lab partner in chemistry, but during that time she had learned a bit about him. She figured she could probably use this information to help Jimmy out.

So armed with this new reason to linger by the now mildly infamous Jimmy Hopkins, Petey left the library and headed around to the boys dorm. Not that she would ever have any intention of setting foot in that awful place. Hopefully she would find Jimmy outside, maybe beating up/making out with Trent Northwick, or spraying various obscenities on school property. She figured she had about half an hour before dark - and there was no way she was going to hang around the boys dorm after dark. She had heard that the boys of Bullworth turned into sex-obsessed lycanthropes after dark.

Wary of any lurking boys, Petey scurried up the concrete path, dark, heavily eyelashed eyes searching for any sign of Jimmy's BMX. She brushed her long, straight brown hair behind her ear and wondered if she should even bother doing this. After all even if she _did_ get Jimmy's attention the way she wanted, it wasn't like he would immediately drop every other girl (and boy) in existence for her. But Petey could hope.

She couldn't see his bike anywhere, but that didn't necessarily mean that he wasn't around. Jimmy would leave his bike anywhere. Petey glanced around nervously, unsettled by the fact there was absolutely no one around, and then approached Jimmy's window. She might look like a stalker peering in at him (she hoped he wasn't in the middle of getting dressed - or at least she hoped he wouldn't see her if he was).

Petey put a foot on the railings that surrounded the boy's dorm and pushed herself up, straining her neck to see through the window. Before her eyes could focus on anything through the glass, she was interrupted.

"Well, well, well what do we have here? Peeping Tom? Checking to see if the guys have got the same bits you have?"

Petey dropped down ungracefully, stumbling over her own feet and finally catching her balance before she landed flat on her face. Red cheeked, she pushed her hair back and looked up at the boy before her. She had known who it was as soon as she heard his sleazy, mocking tone, but she still felt her face heat up like a flat iron.

"Uh I wasn't… I was just checking… I d-didn't…"

"Don't be embarrassed, Petey," Gary grinned, beginning a very slow pace around her. His eyes were fixed on hers, rooting her feet to the spot. "I understand the curiosities of youth. Especially with the problems you face where you're not sure which gender you're supposed to be part of. It must be difficult for you."

Petey's cheeks could probably fry eggs. "You're such a jerk…" she muttered, tugging self consciously on the front of her pink shirt.

Gary moved past Petey, or he almost went to walk right through her but she quickly hopped out of his path. He climbed up onto the fence and peered in through Jimmy's window, cupping his hands against the dirty glass.

"Yoo-hoo, Jimmy!" he called. "There's someone out here who wants to compare Y-fronts with you!"

Irritated and humiliated, Petey grabbed the back of his teal sweater and pulled him, which did nothing considering she was weak as a kitten (she always had been). "Stop it you jerk!" she hissed, absolutely horrified at the prospect of Jimmy being inside his room. Although she doubted that Gary would do that if he was in there.

Gary hopped down, chuckling gleefully. 'So what's with the Jimmy-watching, Petey? I can't imagine he's a good example of normal male anatomy."

"That's not very nice, Gary," Petey mumbled, brushing back her hair that was only falling in front of her face because she was practically hanging her head in embarrassment. "I… I just came to ask Jimmy something, that's all."

A new light sparked in Gary's eyes. "Oooh, so our resident ape-clone has gotten himself a new admirer eh? Now, now Petey. I thought you had better taste than that. I pictured you with someone more like… Eunice?"

Petey looked up sharply, eyebrows drawing together. "There's no need to be so mean to me, Gary. I've never done anything to do. I just wanted to talk to Jimmy and I can't exactly just walk in there, can I?"

"Why not? Everyone will probably just think you're Constantinos in a wig."

Petey waved a hand and turned to leave, wishing for a cool breeze to sooth her scalding cheeks. "Forget it. If he was here he would be too busy kicking your ass to talk to me anyway."

Gary laughed and followed her, skipping until he was walking in sync beside her. "Ooh, you're getting feisty, He-Man. I bet you've been taking testosterone shots with the Jocks in the locker rooms, haven't you?"

Petey turned her head away, not wanting to let Gary see just how much he was bothering her. "If you try and go into the girl's dorm Mrs Peabody will string you up." she mumbled, uncomfortably.

Gary just chuckled and slung a strong arm around her slender shoulders. "Petey, Petey, Petey," he sighed. "Why would I bother going in there when you're out here?"

Petey wanted to point out that what she meant was that she was going to go into the dorm to get away from him and that he couldn't follow her, but she realised that the plan of hiding away in the girls dorm was now off the cards. In the cross path, Gary turned her abruptly right and walked her towards the school gates.

"How about a little walk, eh Petey? Who knows, maybe we'll find your boyfriend on the way, huh? Then you can trade dorm room numbers on little bits of paper. Pay Pedro to take him some candy or some crap. I dunno how you kids go about trying to get into each others pants…."

Petey squirmed under his arm, but it did no good. "Get off me, Gary…" she whined.

"Why? We're having such a great time. The sun's setting, the Prefects are prowling, the hobos are unconscious… beautiful night."

Petey couldn't deny that the warmth and weight of Gary's arm was nice - at least it would be nice if it was someone else's arm. Like Jimmy's. "Gary, I don't want to go off campus. It's late and I have homework to do…"

"I know, I know, you have anatomy to research," Gary grinned, releasing her to step in front of her. "You don't need to go peeking for your references y'know, Petey. All you have to do is ask."

Blushing furiously, Petey backed up a few steps. "I… I'm going, Gary…"

Gary chuckled and reached out grabbed her wrist. "Oh come on, He-Man, don't be such a--'

He didn't get any further. Petey had been lectured dozens of times by her father to watch out for certain kinds of BOYS. These BOYS were only after one thing, and Gary Smith certainly fell under the criteria of these BOYS. So unless she made her feelings on the situation perfectly clear, anything could happen. So Petey's automatic reaction to the sudden restraint from Gary was to slam her bony knee into his crotch.

Gary's face drained of colour and his eyes closed. A second later and he was on the floor, hands pressed between his legs and wheezing various curses aimed at Petey. Without hesitation, Petey turned and scampered off towards the safety of the girl's dorm, glad that she would never have to go through the pain of being kicked in the balls. It sure looked painful.

As she approached the prudent-looking dorm, she bumped into something rather heavy. Stumbling back a bit, she looked up to find none other than Jimmy Hopkins, who was glaring down at her in agitation. "Ah, hey! Jimmy… I was looking for you." She subconsciously began twirling a strand of her hair around her finger, a habit she did out of nervousness.

"Oh, really." Jimmy looked unamused. Petey frowned, wishing he'd greet her in a friendlier tone. "I was expecting Lola, and… If she sees you with me, she might get the wrong idea, SO…" Petunia already knew what he was implying. He could be such a jerk at times. But that jerk side of him was what made her heart flutter.

"Um… wait! I have something to tell you… It's about Gary," she made an emphasis on his name, hoping it'd catch Jimmy's attention. It must have worked, seeing as to how his eyebrow raised a bit at the sound of his name. "Gary? What about that psycho?"

Petey's mind suddenly went blank. She was quite sure she had something to say previously, but now that she was standing here with Jimmy, with an opportunity for real conversation in the air, words failed her. "Um.. He was… trying to force me to go to some kind of shady place with him! Knowing him, It'd probably have been an alley-way or something…" Wait. What was she saying? Wasn't she originally supposed to tell him about the bits of information she had picked up about Gary? She sounded like some kind of attention whore! She was angry with herself, but at the same time hopeful. Maybe Jimmy would get jealous over her.

He grunted. "Oh, _really_…" There was an irritated tone to his voice. She didn't snow it, but Petunia was inwardly smiling. "Let's pay this lecher a visit, shall we?" Cracking his knuckles, he shoved past her and made his way towards the boy's dorm. Timidly shuffling behind him, she tried to fight down the blush that was painted across her cheeks.

They didn't have to travel all the way to the boy's dorm though, since Gary was still in the same position on the floor, where Petunia had kneed him. The boy was groaning, holding on to his vital regions. Petey find kind of bad. Maybe she went a bit too far. All her thoughts were cut off as Jimmy grabbed Gary by his tousled brown locks and lifted him up to his feet. When Gary had finally managed to maintain a steady posture, Jimmy knocked him down again with a swift punch to the stomach.

"Hey! Jimmy.. I think that's enough." Petunia tried to calm him down, but truth be told, she found this aggressive side of him pretty HOT. But then again, she found everything about him HOT. She had to fan herself a bit. _He would make a really good male stripper. A career on the stage awaits!_ It took her a moment, but she finally snapped back to reality. She had managed to forget all about Gary's current predicament. Jimmy pulled his fist back for another punch before Petey tried to pull his arm back. It didn't do much, but Jimmy halted and looked down at her in question.

"Petey, be a good boy and let us real men continue their business." Good boy? GOOD boy? Did HE just call her a BOY? Him of all people?! Ooh, that did it. Sparks were flying, and before she knew it, her frail fist swiftly connected with Jimmy Hopkins' jaw. It didn't do much damage, but it was a big improvement from the weak shoves and slaps she usually threw.

Jimmy looked downright stunned at Petunia's actions. "You're a JERK!" Before he could reply, Petey shoved past him and ran towards the Girl's Dorm.

----

Perched on the grimy steps by the fire doors of the Girl's Dorm sat a very grim and miserable Petunia Kowalski. She couldn't believe that she had made such a fool of herself, and in front of _Jimmy_. But then again she was probably doomed to humiliate herself in front of the opposite sex for the rest of her life. Sometimes she wished she was a guy, things seemed to be so much easier for them.

Well, apart from Gary, who was probably still getting kicked around the ground by Jimmy.

Petey felt bad. Gary wasn't really _that_ bad. He was just a bit screwed up. She didn't think he would have done anything… it just seemed like a perfect opportunity to get Jimmy's attention. And it had been! Shame that Petey managed to screw it up. Like she screwed up everything.

The sound of scraping footsteps caught her attention and she glanced around with a gasp, half expecting to see Gary stumbling out of the shadows to get her back for getting Jimmy to beat him sensless. Or maybe Jimmy coming to make her feel even worse about herself.

But it was neither of those two. It was Constantinos, walking with his head hanging down and his hands buried in his pockets. He hadn't seen her, at least not yet. Petey sighed grimly. Well that was just great. The most miserable boy on campus coming to brighten up her day.

He glanced up and stopped, blinking at Petey with a bemused expression. Petey blinked back.

"Uh, I'm sorry. I'll go now." He mumbled in that 'I'm-gonna-go-hang-myself-now' tone of his.

Petey cleared her throat. "You don't have to." she shrugged. "If you want to sit here then go ahead."

Constantinos hesitated, eyeing her uncertainly. Knowing him he was probably expecting some kind of attack, but when Petey didn't show any signs of malice he tentatively moved towards the steps.

"Okay." he shrugged, and took a seat. He sat on the same step as her, but as far away as he could possibly get. He was practically crushed up against the wall. But to be fair Petey was the same. She sat crushed up against the railings.

The pair of them sat in silence for a long while, listening to the faint, harrowing screams of some unfortunate being mercilessly tortured somewhere on campus. The sounds seemed to brighten Constantinos slightly, although he was probably just pleased that those screams weren't his own.

"So, uh… what's up, Petunia?" Constantinos asked finally as the screams died down. "Why're you sitting all the way around here?"

Petey shrugged. "Because I'm too much of a loser to be anywhere else." she mumbled, in a depressingly similar tone to Constantinos. Even Algie would have been better company right now, at least he was chirpier. She glanced to him anyway. "What about you?"

"Same." he replied.

The awkward silence prevailed again. Petey fiddled with the hem of her skirt, wishing that there was something to lighten the mood. She was incapable of mood-lightening, and it didn't take a genius to point out that Constantinos was in a similar boat. She wondered why he insisted on sitting with her, even though he had nothing to say. She thought about heading inside, but that might seem… well, rude. Petey didn't like coming across as rude.

Although it hadn't seemed like a problem when she had punched Jimmy in the face.

"So uh…" Constantinos finally said, interrupting Petey's cringe-worthy replay of the night's events in her head. "Do you wanna make out?"

Petey would have much rather those words come from Jimmy, served with a freshly picked bouquet of flowers from outside the girl's dorm. There was something disheartening about hearing them in Constantinos' depressing, exasperated-with-life voice, especially seeing as this was the first time those words had been said to her.

That was a point. This was the first time someone, a _boy_, had said that to her and she wasn't sure how to react. She couldn't refuse her first kiss, but then again she didn't really want it to be with _Constantinos Brakus_.

He must have been able to read her thoughts because he sighed glumly. "It's okay. I wouldn't want to make out with me either." He sighed heavily and stood up. "If the sky fell on my head I wouldn't feel any worse than I do right now."

Petey winced. "I didn't say that." she heard herself saying, and then mentally cursed herself. Why did she have to be so _nice_? Great, her first make out session was going to be out of pity. "I guess, if you want to…" She shrugged.

Constantinos sat back down and shrugged at her, still with those hooded, sad eyes. "Well there's nothing else better to do."

Petey contemplated that for a moment. Well it was either sit here with him, go in the dorm and get tortured by Mandy Wiles or feel insignificant beside Pinky Gauthier, or go looking for Jimmy and Gary and get her comeuppance for being such a loser.

With those options… basically she didn't have any choice. "Okay." she shrugged.

Constantinos nodded and then moved towards her, still sitting as far away as he could get. Petey hesitated, then leaned towards him also. Once close enough, they both tried to turn their heads in the same direction, resulting in an awkward who's-head-goes-where moment. Finally Constantinos just went for it, managing to squash Petey's nose and make her bit her own lip.

"Ow!" she frowned.

"Sorry." he droned.

Petey refrained from sighing, and let Constantinos clumsily kiss her again, wishing that she was tall and pretty like Pinky, or confident and busty like Lola so Jimmy would wait outside the dorm for her.

But alas, she was destined to make out with losers on the grimy fire escape steps, with gum sticking to her foot and Constantinos' strangely peppery-tasting lips all over hers. Well she better make the best of a bad situation.

And anyway, he wasn't all that bad.


End file.
